


Wake Me Up Inside

by getyourfaceoutofmyface



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coma, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-02 21:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16312652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getyourfaceoutofmyface/pseuds/getyourfaceoutofmyface
Summary: When an accident lands Robert in a coma Aaron has to manage life without him and face the reality of letting him go.*Tumblr Anon Request*





	Wake Me Up Inside

6 months, 3 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes. That’s how long it’s been since Aaron has seen his husband’s impossibly blue green eyes. How long it’s been since he’s felt those fingers graze his skin of their own accord. 

He’d wait as long as it took. It was his turn after all.

**********

It was an accident, like all things that devastate your life are. Those stairs. Those fucking stairs that Robert had put into their house. They joked they were a death trap; they didn’t know how right they were. 

Somehow one of Seb’s toys ended up on a step. Robert and Aaron had been heading up to bed. Robert’s hands tugging up Aaron’s shirt, the warmth of fingers against his back. Then a swear and a slam, Robert sliding forward and smacking his head on the way down.

Robert was in pain but still he laughed. God they’d laughed. Woken up Liv to listen for Seb as Aaron drove them to A&E. He’d held Robert’s hand as he held the ice pack to the bump growing on his forehead. It was just supposed to be another funny story about married life.

Sitting in the hard plastic chairs in the waiting area they settled in for a long night. Then Robert had suddenly been sick everywhere, then started convulsing and Aaron had screamed for help. People had swarmed them then, Robert being wheeled away, nurses and doctors asking Aaron questions he should know the answers to. 

Scans and tests, Robert became a pin cushion who refused to open his eyes. There were words Aaron didn’t understand. Names for symptoms and syndromes and “Let’s wait and see.”

They had been optimistic. Then they had been hopeful. Now the nurses gave Aaron a sad smile everyday when he came in to sit with Robert.

**********

After two weeks of no change Aaron had come home and attacked the stairs with a sledge hammer. He beat them until they were bent and twisted, his eyes blinded by sweat and tears. He didn’t stop until Cain appeared, grasping Aaron tightly while he sunk to the floor, letting his uncle hold him while he cried. Sobbed. Screamed.

“They said everyday he doesn’t wake up is him slipping further and further away. I can’t do this without him. I can’t.”

Cain just rocked him in his arms as they sat on the floor, bits of metal all around them.

Seb and Aaron stayed at the pub for a few weeks after that while Cain had the stairs removed and new ones put in. Robert would hate them. Simple, basic stairs that took up too much valuable living room space. Safe and secure.

Too little, too late.

**********

But he had a four year old son to be strong for and a sister who needed him. Seb was old enough to understand Daddy was “resting” and he came to visit every other day. Aaron had so many pictures on his phone of Seb laying beside Robert in bed. He’d whisper about his day or show Robert a new picture he’d drawn for him. Then Aaron would hang it on the wall with the others. There were photos everywhere. Robert and Aaron on their wedding day. Robert arm in arm with Vic. Liv making a face’s at the camera with Seb in her lap. 

Aaron needed Robert to wake up. He needed Robert to be surrounded by all the reasons he had to open his eyes.

Thankfully Seb loved the hospital. The nurses all knew him by name and often offered him a popsicle or a piece of candy. One male nurse even taught Seb a new medical fact everyday. 

“Dad, did you know the smallest bone in your body is in your ears?”

It was a fun game. Daddy was sleeping and Dad was making sure everything was okay. Or he was trying to, but he was barely holding on.

**********

Liv had come home from school to help out, but after a few weeks Aaron sent her back to Leeds. She didn’t want to go but he needed life to be normal. As normal as possible.

“Do you know how mad Robert will be when he wakes up to find you failed a semester?”

That had convinced her, tears in her eyes, and she’d been doing better than ever before. It was like they were all being the best version of themselves, like working hard would magic Robert back to life.

**********

Aaron became obsessed with sound. He’d read online about music bringing people out of comas. He made a playlist and ran it non-stop. He brushed back Robert’s hair from his forehead as Adele crooned.

“I’ll admit it’s our song if you wake up.”

It hadn’t worked but Aaron wasn’t about to give up.

He started recording audio of the life Robert was missing. Seb playing in the bath. The loud voices in the pub on a busy Sunday afternoon. The opening theme song to Robert’s favourite home renovation show. The shower running in their bedroom. The roar of Robert’s car engine.

Anything that could remind Robert of what was waiting for him. Everything and everyone and Aaron.

**********

Some mornings he would wake up wrapped around Robert’s pillow, holding it like it was flesh and blood. Sometimes he’d only be able to sleep with all the lights on, scared of monsters that hadn’t plagued him in years. Sometimes he didn’t sleep at all. Just stared at the ceiling, running moments and memories through his head. Sometimes he ached so much it was physically painful; he’d curl up in a ball and keep it together the best he could.

Sometimes he’d wake up in the middle of the night to Seb crawling into their bed. They’d worked hard to break him of that habit but Aaron needed the comfort just as much as Seb did.

When Seb’s little legs would kick out in his sleep, just liked Robert’s used to, Aaron would have to bite back a sob so as not to wake him.

**********

His mother was driving him insane. It’d been four months and she wanted Aaron to go out. Do something just for himself. Have some drinks with mates and have a laugh. It had started a row like they’d never had before.

“My husband is not dead so stop acting like he is!”

He’d stormed out of the pub, eyes blazing but he deflated when he saw Seb outside with Isaac and Moira on the playground. He sighed wearily when he felt Paddy’s hand on his shoulder.

“We’re just worried about you, Son.”

But they wanted him to start imagining a world without Robert in it. They wanted him to get on with his life. Life before Robert had been fine, it had. Mundane and lonely and fine. Robert was the colour and the joy in his world. Robert made everything better. He made Aaron better. How could he imagine a future without him?

Finally he allowed his mum and Paddy to have Seb one night a week. So he could have a night alone; so he wasn’t doing it by himself. So he could breathe.

Saturday night became date night. He’d dress nice, pick up a take away and sit beside his husband’s bed and talk to him. Tell him about his day. About Seb. Gossip from the village. Sometimes he’d cry. But the nurses let him curl up beside Robert and hold him for a while. They’d even let him spend the night like that, to the point where it was a regular occurance.

It was always the best night sleep of Aaron’s week.

**********

It was supposed to be just a regular Wednesday. Diane was taking Seb to his swimming lessons. Aaron was stopping by the hospital for his daily visit. He’d picked up the new Stephen King and was going to start reading it to Robert. He’d be so mad when he woke up and discovered he hadn’t read it right away. Aaron couldn’t let that happen.

But Amanda, Robert’s regular nurse, stopped him on the ward.

“You need to prepare yourself. They’re going to move him.”

He panicked, he could admit that, where would they take him? They couldn’t take him away.

So he sat with administrators who talked about Robert’s lack of progress and latest scan results. Robert only needed a feeding tube and personal care. But that wasn’t something Aaron could provide, not with a small child at home.

The closest facility was an hour drive away. Too far. He wouldn’t be able to raise Seb and give him what he needed while spending hours a day on the road.

“Mr Sugden-Dingle, we understand this is difficult.”

He laughed then. Right in their faces. They didn’t know fucking anything.

But what could he do? He had three weeks. Three weeks and he’d figure something out. He had to.

*********

He debated moving them. Selling the Mill and the scrapyard if need be, all so they could be closer to Robert’s future facility. But when it came down to it Aaron couldn’t do that to Seb. Their son needed his family around him. Could he pull him away from everyone who loved him so they could spend an hour a day holding Robert’s hand?

As the news about Robert being moved spread the family came out to support him in droves. Bernice promising to still go give Robert his monthly haircut. Vic setting him up with a weekly meal schedule, so she could have freezer dishes ready for him and Seb every night. His mother and Diane offering to have Seb for full weekends so Aaron could go be near his husband. Or anything else he felt like doing for himself.

It was pounding in his head. Move on, Aaron. Let him go, Aaron. It was in all the looks they gave him. In every sigh and hug they wrapped him in.

**********

It was their anniversary. They were supposed to be celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss. They were supposed to be planning a night away or a soppy romantic dinner. They were supposed to be gazing at each other over candlelight. Instead Aaron was sitting in his usual spot at his husband’s bedside. Holding his hand. Begging.

“Please, Robert. You need to wake up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep holding on.”

And he cried. Sobbed into the bed linens as he pressed his face into them.

It wasn’t just their anniversary. Soon it would be Seb’s birthday. And then Christmas. And then a year. How much longer could he do this for?

He wanted to say forever. For as long as it took. But he wasn’t the strong one. He never had been.

*********

It was Robert’s last full day at the hospital, they were moving him the next afternoon. The nurses had thrown a little goodbye party for Aaron and Seb.

“We’ll miss you both very much.”

Amanda had wrapped Seb in a hug as he clutched the stuffed penguin the staff had gotten him. He was sad to lose his friends but Aaron had assured Seb they could still come visit. He’d had Vic make a whole bunch of dessert treats to share on the ward. There were a few balloons, it was all just to make Seb smile.

It was like a second home. The fridge behind the nurse’s station where he stocked Seb’s favourite juice boxes for their visits. The porter named James who talked to Aaron about the lastest football game. The doctors and nurses, the other families he’d seen come and go. Who was going to look after Robert now? Who was going to make sure he was okay?

Because Aaron wasn’t sure it could be him anymore.

**********

That night Aaron snuck into the ward. Well he didn’t exactly sneak, Janice the night nurse had seen him and thrown him a wink.

Tomorrow afternoon Aaron would be here, taking down the drawings and photographs taped to the wall. Robert would no longer have a private room, he’d be sharing with other people like him. The ones hanging between death and life. The people time forgot about.

He ran his fingers over his husband’s face. Soft touches, memorizing the features with his fingertips. He couldn’t kiss his lips, the feeding tube prevented him from doing that. So he kissed his closed eyes. The underside of his jaw. That spot behind his ear that used to make Robert sigh. If Aaron listened close enough he could almost hear it.

He sat on the edge of the bed, clutching Robert’s hand. He took a laboured breath.

“I have to let you go.”

The tears started then. Free flowing and bitter.

“Because Seb needs me. He needs you too. I need you. Robert, I can’t be both of us but I have to try. It’s all I have left now.”

He pressed Robert’s hand to his lips. Placed small kisses on each fingertip, each knuckle, the soft palm of skin.

“Please, Robert. Please. I’ll do anything. I’ll never tease you about your taste in music. I’ll do the laundry. Hell, I do it all now anyway. Anything. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. Just open your damn eyes.”

Then the barrier broke and all the anger Aaron had been keeping at bay came pouring out.

“You promised me forever Robert. You promised to love me and to be there for me. For our family. And you left me. You left us. How could you do this, Robert? Why are you doing this to me?”

He squeezed Robert’s hand.

“You are making me do this! Why are you making me do this?!”

He didn’t realize he was yelling until the door opened and Janice was there, concern in her eyes. He ignored her. He ignored everything but the stillness of his husband’s body. The shell of the man he loved.

“I hate you, Robert! Do you hear me?! I hate you for doing this to me!”

He pushed past Janice as she reached for him. Raced out of the hospital and away from it all.

**********

He’d spent the night downing every drop of alcohol in their house. He pulled Robert’s suits and ridiculous shirts out of the closet, threw them on the floor. He sobbed into a handful of Robert’s ties, staining the silk and making them useless. Because they were now. Because Robert was gone. 

He grabbed a garbage bag and tore apart their bathroom. Robert’s fancy hair wax and body lotion, his toothbrush and poncy shampoo went next. He stilled when he saw Robert’s cologne bottle in the back of the medicine cabinet.

He reached for it like it was his most treasured possession. He uncapped the lid, brought the bottle to his nose. It hit him. Memories, laughter, moans of pleasure, snide comments and soft caresses. Damp skin from a shower. Curled together under a blanket, Aaron’s nose nuzzled into the back of Robert’s neck.

His life. Their life. Over.

He waded through the mess he made to lay on top of the their bed.

No, not theirs, his. Aaron’s. 

He held the bottle to his face and breathed deep until sleep took him.

**********

The next morning Aaron went to the pub to have breakfast with his son. He was staying with his Nana and Paddy another night so Aaron could pack up Robert’s hospital room. Follow the transport ambulance to Robert’s new facility. Get his husband settled. Meet the staff. Prepare himself for weekly, instead of daily, visits.

He was teasing Seb, tickling him and trying to steal a piece of his toast when his phone buzzed on the table. He picked it up to see a text from Amanda, because all the nurses had his private number, knew how to contact him.

“Aaron get here. Robert woke up.”

Everything around him went in slow motion. There was a deafening ringing in his ears. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t catch his breath. He was dreaming. This wasn't real. This couldn’t be real.

“Aaron, what is it? What’s wrong?”

His Mum sounded so far away. He couldn’t move. He was frozen.

Then little fingers curled onto his hand and squeezed. Instantly he calmed. Seb, he needed to pull it together for Seb.

“Dad?”

“Seb, you stay with Paddy. Nana and I need to go to the hospital to see Daddy okay.”

Thankfully his mother didn’t question him, just grabbed her purse while Aaron kissed his son’s head. He couldn’t say anything, not until he knew what he was dealing with. Not until he knew that the man that woke up was actually Robert.

God, what if he wasn’t Robert?

**********

He jumped out of the car before his mother had completely stopped. Raced through the halls, ran up to Robert’s room to find his bed missing. He looked wildly around. He raced to the nurse’s desk.

“What’s happening? Where is he?”

Amanda came from the back, headed towards him.

“Aaron, it’s okay.”

“Amanda, where is he? Where is my husband?!”

“They sent him for tests. Another scan. He opened his eyes this morning. They are responding to light. He seems aware of where he is, who he is. This is good Aaron, really good. No promises but…”

Aaron wrapped her in his arms then, hugged the life out of her and they cried, together.

**********

He waited forever. Paced Robert’s empty room. He sent his mother down to the cafeteria to get some coffee and to inform everyone what was going on. But he demanded no one come, not yet. Not until they knew. He didn’t want to overwhelm Robert. He didn’t want to overwhelm himself. He also made sure Seb knew nothing. Not yet.

James finally came in pushing Robert’s bed with a giant grin on his face. Robert’s eyes were closed but the tube was gone from down his throat. He looked like he was sleeping. He looked the same. He stood still as Robert’s bed was put back in place,

“Hey Rob, open your eyes, there’s someone here to see you.”

Aaron’s heart fluttered to life when those lids opened. They searched around, finally landing on Aaron. And then they went soft, that look Aaron had missed like oxygen.

Everything in Aaron’s world clicked back into place and Robert reached out his hand.

**********

Aaron spent the next while talking to doctors, talking to family, talking to Robert. 

Holding Robert’s face in his hands, brushing their lips together. He stroked his hair as he told him about Seb, about Liv, about everything he missed. What had happened. Everything and anything he could think of. Robert tried to speak a few times but his throat was raw from the tube and it wasn’t long before his eyes started drooping.

“You can only close those eyes if you promise to open them again soon.”

Robert smiled shyly at Aaron’s joke, pressing Aaron’s palm to his cheek as he finally nodded off. Aaron stayed there, never taking his eyes off Robert until his eyes opened once again a few hours later. Aaron wasn’t taking anymore chances.

**********

They called it a miracle. They called it fate. Aaron didn’t care what they called it. His husband was back.

Two weeks in and Robert was talking again, you could barely shut him up. It was wonderful. His therapy to work his muscles was going amazingly well, to the point where he could walk slowly around the ward. The first time Seb had seen his Daddy with his eyes open he’d beamed.

“Daddy, did my stories help you dream?”

Aaron climbed up on the bed then, the three of them wrapped together for the first time in what felt like years. His family. 

Liv had driven through the night, storming into Robert’s room with fire in her eyes and tears on her cheeks.

“Robert, you are a right bastard!”

But Robert just opened his arms to her and she raced into them.

********

The one person Aaron was avoiding was his Mum. She could tell something was wrong when she’d visit but she never said anything. Even Robert noticed something was up but Aaron hushed him.

“Don’t you dare worry about it. It’s nothing.”

Robert didn’t push, just looked at him with loving eyes. He was going to go home tomorrow. They’d made it.

********

Aaron was racing around to get the place ready for Robert’s return in the morning. Honestly nothing but the stairs had changed but Aaron needed him to feel comfortable. Happy and safe back under their roof.

He’d gotten Seb to bed but it’d taken a while. He was so excited to have his Daddy back. He had a pile of books he wanted Robert to read him when he was home. Aaron was attacking the mound of clean laundry to be folded, then he needed to empty the dishwasher and possibly clean the downstairs bathroom if it didn’t get too late.

Everything had to be perfect.

He heard a soft knock and looked up to see his Mum slowly making her way in. He rolled his eyes.

“So are you going to talk to me about what I did or?”

“What did you do, Mum?”

“Aaron, please.”

Aaron threw down the shirt he was holding and glared at her.

“I gave up on him, Mum. I was the one person in this world who was supposed to never ever give up on him and I did. I was going to throw out his clothes. I was going to let them take him away. I listened to you and I never should have. It was a test and I failed. I failed him.”

He collapsed on the sofa, buried his head in his hands. He tried not to flinch when he felt his mother’s hand on his back.

“Aaron, you never gave up on him. Not for one minute.”

“Mum.”

“No you listen to me. You didn’t give up, you just moved your focus from Robert to Seb. To making sure your son had what was best for him. Robert would never fault you that. Not for one moment.”

He let her hug him, let her wipe his tears. But he didn’t believe her, not one single word of it.

**********

He was home. Life was ticking slowly back to normal. They were planning Seb’s birthday party for next week. Something small as not to over excite Robert. 

“You know these stairs aren’t half bad.”

Robert laughed at his own joke but Aaron could barely upturn his lips.

**********

Aaron wouldn’t touch him. Okay that wasn’t true. He’d touch Robert whenever he could. Hold his hand. Rub his back. Kiss the upturn smile on Robert’s lips. Wrap himself around him as they slept. But nothing sexual. Nothing intimate. He just couldn’t bring himself to.

Robert had tried, in his gentle way. He seemed to understand Aaron needed time. But like all things with Robert his patience only went so far.

The night before Seb’s party Aaron crawled into bed beside Robert, slid his hands around his waist and held on tight. Robert turned into his arms, pressed his lips and hips into Aaron’s.

Aaron let himself sink under, grabbing at Robert’s hair. Let himself get lost in the heat of Robert above him, the lust that flickered to life. 

He was back. Robert was back. And Aaron didn’t deserve him.

He pushed Robert slowly away. Rolled them onto their sides.

“Robert, not tonight.”

He heard Robert’s huff in the darkness and then blinked his eyes when Robert reached over and turned his bedside lamp on.

“Why, Aaron?”

God Robert was looking at him with such a pained expression. He had to tell him the truth, even if meant they were over. Because Aaron had given up first hadn’t he?

“I let you down, Robert.”

He closed his eyes then, not wanting Robert to see the guilt he was sure was in them.

“Did you...was there someone else?”

Aaron opened his eyes, sat up in horror. The fear etched on Robert’s face almost broke him. He grabbed Robert’s face, forced them to meet eye to eye.

“No, Robert. God, no. Never. There was no one. How could you even think that?”

Robert nuzzled his hand into Aaron’s palm, covered Aaron’s hands with his own.

“I don’t know, Aaron. The way you’ve been acting. Do you not want me anymore?”

Aaron shouldn’t have laughed then but he did.

“You’re lucky I didn’t pounce on you the moment your eyes were open.”

That got him a smile, the full Robert Sugden-Dingle beam. Aaron melted.

“Then why? I need to know, Aaron.”

He went to take his hands from Robert’s face but Robert held fast. He needed the connection, needed Aaron. How could he deny him that?

“Because I let you go, Robert. I gave up. I was going to let them send you away. I started packing up your clothes from our closet. I threw out your toothbrush. You deserve someone so much better than me. I stopped believing in you.”

He couldn’t stop crying then, because once again, Aaron had proved he wasn’t good enough. Not really.

“Aaron, no, stop, please.”

But he couldn’t, the wave had crashed and he couldn’t slow it down. He let Robert tuck Aaron’s face into his neck. Let his husband soothe him with whispered words until Aaron was cried out. Exhausted. Ashamed. 

“Do you know what everyone told me when I woke up?”

Aaron just shook his head, pressed his face deeper into Robert’s skin.

“They told me how lucky I was to have you. How you were there everyday, every night. How you read to me, and held me. How you played me music and videos of Seb. How amazing you were to the staff, with Seb, how they’d never seen anything like it. You didn’t give up. Aaron, you did what you had to do. For yourself. For our son. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Rob…”

“No I mean it. If the roles were reversed. If it had been you lying there would you have faulted me for anything you did? For making sure Seb was happy and safe? For making sure Seb had what he needed over you?”

God he hated his husband sometimes, especially when he was right.

But he needed to say it anyway.

“I’m so sorry, Rob.”

He felt his husband’s sigh.

“Me too, Aaron. More than you’ll ever know.”

Aaron slipped into an exhausted sleep then, letting Robert hold him close.

**********

Aaron woke up with Robert wrapped around him. It was still dark outside and the clock on his bedside table flashed 4:47am. 3 hours before they’d need to get up and start the day. They had everyone coming over for Sebastian’s party. There would be noise and games and presents and laughter and joy.

Three hours. Aaron could make that work.

He shook Robert softly, heard a groan as the blonde lifted his head.

“Robert, wake up.”

“What? What’s wrong? Seb?”

But Aaron was already throwing his own shirt over his head, reaching for the waistband of Robert’s sleep pants.

“Get these off.”

Even in the dark Aaron could see his megawatt smile. Robert was awake now.

“Yeah?”

Aaron wanted to tease him, the excitement evident in his voice. But Aaron was too desperate.

“Yeah. Now shut up and kiss me.”

“Needy.”

“Robert, I swear to…”

But Robert cut him off with his mouth and his hands and finally.

His husband was home.


End file.
